銀河戲法

十月六日星期三在《今日美國報》讀到美國諧星 Rodney Dangerfield (1921—2004) 的死訊以前，我並沒聽過他的大名。

這位本名 Jacob Cohen 的老兄歷經人世滄桑，十五歲就開始編寫笑話，十七歲登臺演出；為了裹腹，他在各地的夜總會四處奔波十年之後，不得已轉行到紐澤西州仲介鋁板的買賣。四十二歲開始，他又重新回到臺上說笑話，奮鬥多年，終於在 Las Vegas 奠立一線諧星的地位。

1960 年代後期，他在曼哈頓開了一家專們表演笑話、喜劇、脫口秀 (talk show) 的夜總會叫做 Dangerfield's，幾位美國當今家喻戶曉的諧星如 Tim Allen, Roseanne Barr, Jim Carrey, Sam Kinison, Jerry Seinfeld, Rita Rudner, Louie Anderson 早先都從此地出道。

Dangerfield 的絕活是自我嘲弄，他最令人噴飯的一句臺詞是：

I'm tellin' ya', I don't get no respect, no respect at all.
(我告訴你們喲，沒人看得起我，一丁點都沒有。)

一位懷念他的讀者寫得相當貼切：

It was what set Rodney apart and made him special. He led with his pain, his insecurity, his fear. Letting his feelings of inferiority show, spilling his guts on stage, Rodney connected with people on a visceral level. He spoke to our inner Rodney.
(“自謔”正是他與眾不同的地方。他以自己的痛苦、不安、恐懼來導引觀眾。在臺上突顯他的自卑感、掏出他的肺腑之言，Rodney 和群眾是以心交心。他道出了我們內心的感受。)

Dangerfield 一生為人帶來無數歡笑，一直到動心臟手術陷入昏迷以前都未改其趣：

Asked how long he would be at the hospital recuperating, Dangerfield said, if things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
(記者問他在醫院需要多久可以複元，他說：情況好的話，要一個禮拜；情況不好的話，一個半小時就搞定了。)

下面是幾段 Dangerfield 的代表作：

“When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctors slapped my mother.”
我出生的時候其醜無比到醫生打了我老媽一記耳光。

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
我老媽是生完我以後才開始害喜的。

“When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father: “I’m sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through.”
我出生的時候，醫生到候診室告訴我老爸說：“我很抱歉，我們盡了最大的努力，但是他還是溜出來了。”

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
我內人和我曾經歡度了二十年，然後我們才相遇。

“I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.’”
我去看醫生。“醫生，每天早上我起床對著鏡子瞧的時候，總覺得想嘔吐，我有什麼毛病嗎？ 他說‘我不知道，不過你的視力是再正常不過了’。”

“I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, “there goes the neighborhood!”
我跟您講，沒有人看得起我。我給自己買了塊墓地，這傢伙說：“這下附近鄰里全毀了”。

無怪乎前面那位讀者一起頭就寫道：
When my dad laughed really hard, his face turned bright red and tears rolled down his cheeks. Nobody made him laugh like Rodney Dangerfield.
(我老爸捧腹大笑的時候，他的臉變得紅通通、眼淚滾落雙頰。除了 Dangerfiled，沒有人會讓他笑成那個樣子。)

為人子女者，誰不希望這個世界能多一些像 Dangerfield 這樣的人呢？